The Story of the Birth of Jessica Hendrickson on August 28, 1989
Written from the perspective of Jessica Hendrickson by Kyle Kranenburg
So, like sometime in 1989, my parents got crunk nasty and then did the nasty, my dad hit that fo sho! Anyway, so like, like 6 months later after a whole bunch of failed diets and eating disorders my mom realized she's not just getting fat, I mean she was, but more than that she was like super preggo and that's why her tum tum wouldn't go away and that dad should prolly stop hitting for a couple months.
so after mom found out that it was like way too late for an abortion she was lookin into the adoption thing, mostly black market stuff, but dad said cuz of the drinking I might not be worth all that much and they'd be better off keeping me as a tax write-off. Mom was really high when dad was explaining this stuff, I think he said she just shrugged and mumbled something about hoping I wasn't black. Did she get a beating that night...
I think mom said they were at a Big Boy, I think it was a Big Boy, were they around then? anyway, dad started yelling at mom for pissing herself right there at the buffet line when some nosy bitch in line was all like 'holy shit, you just broke you water', and dad wanted to bitch out the manager cuz he didn't really know what a "water" was but he figured if it broke while in line at the restaurant they could probably get some money out of it, liability or some shit
when they finally figured out what a water was, mom was really pissed cuz she had just filled her plate but the management was really pressuring her to go to the hospital, she was getting pissed so they promised to put in a bag for her. When they got in the ambulance dad was just amazed they totally walked out without paying, like with everyone watching and everything, he said it was the coolest thing ever. Anyway, so like eventually mom shit me out and wanted to name me Spot, but dad said that was retarded, so he named me after mom's sister cuz he always thought she was hot. The End
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